Perhaps 365 was too much

I didn’t realize that 5 days into project 365 that I would find out that I was pregnant and my brain would stop working. But, alas it has. Not only can not remember to post a picture, or take the picture or think about anything other than is the baby healthy.

Confession is that I am worrying myself sick. One track mind is all about viability. I think previous loss just completely steals the joy and excitement. I am forcing myself to disconnect so it won’t hurt as bad when the news is bad. I really haven’t even began to fathom actually adding a 5th member to our family. I am too scared.

Our families know and they are excited but I feel guilt because I am not letting anyone talk about it. I preface every sentence about the pregnancy with I don’t have a good feeling. So, our jobs don’t know, lots of friends don’t know, neighbors don’t know and it is not Facebook official. I keep thinking too many people know already and I worry about how hard it is going to tell people when it is over.

I hate feeling like this. I look for any symptom of pregnancy to comfort myself. I found myself praying for nausea and poking at my breasts to see if they were tender. (sorry to my brother for having to read that) But, I don’t have either and while most would say that I am just lucky. Lucky is not how I would describe feeling.

My last two pregnancies I had early ultrasounds so there was some assurance and a comfort. They are not giving me that this time and I am out of my mind.

So that is where I stand. I am not mad at God. In fact I am quite content knowing he will take care of me in any event. It is the unknowing and my impatience that just has me reeling in worry.

Happy posts in the future but today I have to stick with an honest one.

Project 365 1.15

My awesome nephew jamming on the drums at the Hofbrauhaus. So much personality for a little kid! Love him!

Project 365 1.14

I never get tired if watching kids come into their own imaginations as they learn how to be creative and play. His 2 favorite movies collided for this Cars and Toy Story. Having a little boy is so much fun.

Project 365 1.13

My dad commented on my blog yesterday. Few people get me like my Dad who can motivate me, move me to tears or engage me in a healthy debate. I know too many people who don’t have great or even actual relationships with their fathers. I will never take my relationship with my Dad for [...]

So far so good

After an agonizing week waiting until I could get bloodwork again and then 24 hours to wait for the results….the wait is over. And the results are good! We have a healthy pregnancy so far. I won’t lie. I am still scared. But, I feel like I can breathe. I hope it gets easier and [...]

Project 365 1.12

The snow just started to fall about 15 minutes ago and now the ground is covered. No place we need to be and the snow seems like a nice way to sit and wait for a phone call from my doctor. This is the call that lets me know if this pregnancy is viable. I [...]