In 2002, I had only been married a few months. We were just babies. 22 years old and it felt like we were playing house. Hubby was student teaching and I had taken my first job in ministry. It was a few days before Halloween when I went to the doctor when he delivered the news that I was pregnant and it was not viable. I was offered medication to try and miscarry on my own or I could have a D&C. In an age before cell phones and texting, I took the medication before I could even consult my new husband.
Fast forward a few months to Mothers Day 2003, I was still reeling with hurt. I mourned out lost child. I ached to be pregnant again. I remember having to take the day off from church because the very thought of celebrating a day that was taken from me felt so torturous.
I prayed for a family and in his timing he blessed me over and over with a beautiful family. I could have never guessed that I would be given the gift of these three little ones that call me Mom. I am blessed to still have my Mom in my life. I have the gift of talking to her daily. I get to seek her guidance and feel her hugs.
I write this because I know the pain of pregnancy loss, the shame of being barren, I have held the hand of friends who have lost their mother.
While the world celebrates Mothers, I know so many women sat curled up in a ball like I did 10 years ago.
I just want to say to you that you are not alone. I see you. I hurt for you and I pray for wholeness in your heart. I don’t know the plans or the purpose and I don’t pretend to make sense of it all. But, I do know there is plan and purpose. So know that you are loved and being prayed for.
1. Spread a thin layer of cream cheese and fave jam on whole grain toast.
2. Make like grilled cheese.
3. Sprinkle on powdered sugar.
4. Try not to lick your plate.
Congratulations, Tanya! Can’t wait to make this for you!
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It doesn’t seem that long since the last time I wrote about not understanding this world. Yet, today the thought weighs heavily on my heart again. As the news broke into the tv yesterday to deliver the shock of the bombings at the Boston Marathon. I sat there again with an open mouth. Shaking my head. Tears down my cheek. Praying for the victims not knowing how many were hurt and injured.
To say this world is a scary place is an understatement. I can’t comprehend the unjustness and the pain that some are willing to cause. Sometimes in the very name of religion. What I can process is that this evil is not of God. It isn’t from God. But the only answer to this madness is God.
Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place.”
Injustice, violence, hurt and pain. It isn’t new. The fresh wounds sting just as badly as it did when justice didn’t serve out Savior. But, Jesus was clear. He is not of this world. Fully human, yet his purpose was from a Kingdom not made or governed by man.
Friends, we are not of this world. You were created from a God who had intention and purpose. He knit you in the womb with intensity, precision and zeal. He made no mistakes.
This world that we live in has sin. I have sinned. I continue to sin. In thought, in action, in anger and in silence. But in the waters of baptism, in the acceptance of Christ, in the celebration of communion. I am redeemed. I am dead to this life. This earthly world is not where I report to. In Jesus own words he prayed that His Kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Yes, Lord. Your Kingdom come. This world doesn’t hold a candle to your Kingdom.
Invade this world with your presence. Embrace those hurting with your peace. Jesus, come quickly to those who need healing. Let this tragedy not give fame to this world yet let it lead hearts to the only one who can saves is from it.
It has been a wild and crazy spring break. I hope that search combo doesn’t bring the crazies to this site. We hit the zoo and the children’s museum. We spent time with the both sets of grandparents and enjoyed just being together. Today was the last day and we are ready to get back to a routine.
I got a little bit of sewing done.
A little pillowcase style dress for Avonlea’s first trip to the zoo. Remember Alaina’s dress? https://alittlemoore.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/one-two-zoopity-zoo/
Man time flies.
Sam met is match in Bumblebee.
I enjoyed time with my babies.
err…I mean I enjoyed my week with my little dinosaurs.
Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
I have recently found crafting to be this hugely cathartic place in my life. It is my alone time. The worship music is playing in the background and in that place creativity flows. But it is also a time when I feel God speak to my soul.
I haven’t spoke much about leaving the church in a professional capacity. When it happened it was met with aching in my heart and questions in my head. What if? How come? What now? Could I enter into a place of sanctuary when I harbored doubt? Could I stay in a place that reminded me of rejection?
In the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I was bedridden and sad. The promise of this baby gave me hope. Hope that this new life would give me new life, new purpose. I came upon Hebrews 6:19.
It struck me deeply, as scripture often does. I may feel like I am floating aimlessly. But, hope has me anchored. My children although lovely and wonderful can’t give me what I was looking for.
My soul needs the anchor of Jesus. His death and new life is what gives me Hope.
I don’t have resolution in the confines of the church as a building. I am attending. I am seeking Him above people.
Daring myself to dream God sized dreams. Anchored in Him. I have hope. I may never get all of my questions answered. But I believe in the discomfort of change He is preparing me for something new.