20 years ago I worked out so hard that I nearly passed out in a locker room. I had not eaten in days. A teacher and a few friends confronted me and gave me an ultimatum to tell my parents. I listened and ultimately ended up switching from starvation to binging and purging. I would go a day or two with no food then I would go completely out of control and eat a container of frosting. This was my reality for years. I was so ashamed. I met a boy who made me feel safe, marriage gave me this buffer and somehow my food guilt disappeared and morphed into complete overindulgence. I don’t know how the once 87 lb teen turned into a 180 lb adult. There have been moments where I wanted to be skinny again but it never truly happened because I didn’t know how because I was never successful at a diet.
So when God called me on my crap I knew that this was it. No excuses were going to suffice to avoid it. He wasn’t calling me to lose weight, the calling was to be healthy.
Diets have ends and loopholes. I really don’t want to live a life that is that easy to give up on. A true lifestyle change is saying this is the new me. A dessert ever few weeks is not the end or a reason to give up. Moderation has to be my new normal.
Today I made it through an entire workout. No stops. Even with a baby jumping on my back mid plank. The point is that 3 weeks ago I couldn’t do a plank at all. When this started a few weeks ago the goal was health and it has to remain that. Numbers on the scale are encouraging but I don’t have a goal. Just a long healthy life. Thankful for this chance to make this change and for this shift in my brain that has happened.
I used to see the quote “you can do hard things” and think maybe you can but if it isn’t easy I don’t want to do it. The epitome of laziness right here. But, saying no to complacency and yes to hard work as completely revitalized my outlook on life.
Can I really be healthy after years of abusing food as a drug? Is it possible for me to change my body type without old habits reappearing? Even at my skinniest, I was never healthy.
Today at 169 lbs and 34 years old I am on my way to saying I am healthy and unashamed of this body. It has given me three beautiful children.
So nope, this is not a diet. A lifelong journey if health and happiness. Sign me up. I can do hard things and this just the beginning.