I woke up this morning with cramps worse than normal and my mind went right back to where it has been, fear. I called my OB and I was so thankful that they were able to squeeze me in. They took me back for an ultrasound and I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. She said there is baby and I grabbed my hubby’s hand as she said and there is the heartbeat. A strong 150 beats per minute. I could have listened to it all day.

So, I am going to do my best to not be paralyzed by fear and just dwell in he blessing in this new life growing inside of me.

Confession is that I am worrying myself sick. One track mind is all about viability. I think previous loss just completely steals the joy and excitement. I am forcing myself to disconnect so it won’t hurt as bad when the news is bad. I really haven’t even began to fathom actually adding a 5th member to our family. I am too scared.

Our families know and they are excited but I feel guilt because I am not letting anyone talk about it. I preface every sentence about the pregnancy with I don’t have a good feeling. So, our jobs don’t know, lots of friends don’t know, neighbors don’t know and it is not Facebook official. I keep thinking too many people know already and I worry about how hard it is going to tell people when it is over.

I hate feeling like this. I look for any symptom of pregnancy to comfort myself. I found myself praying for nausea and poking at my breasts to see if they were tender. (sorry to my brother for having to read that) But, I don’t have either and while most would say that I am just lucky. Lucky is not how I would describe feeling.

My last two pregnancies I had early ultrasounds so there was some assurance and a comfort. They are not giving me that this time and I am out of my mind.

So that is where I stand. I am not mad at God. In fact I am quite content knowing he will take care of me in any event. It is the unknowing and my impatience that just has me reeling in worry.

Happy posts in the future but today I have to stick with an honest one.

My awesome nephew jamming on the drums at the Hofbrauhaus. So much personality for a little kid! Love him!

I never get tired if watching kids come into their own imaginations as they learn how to be creative and play. His 2 favorite movies collided for this Cars and Toy Story. Having a little boy is so much fun.

My dad commented on my blog yesterday. Few people get me like my Dad who can motivate me, move me to tears or engage me in a healthy debate. I know too many people who don’t have great or even actual relationships with their fathers. I will never take my relationship with my Dad for granted. He has been always been my rock. He taught me about life through introducing me to Jesus and letting turn more than a few new leafs trying to get things right. But no matter what he shown me unconditional love and support even when mess up as an adult. He doesn’t judge me, he loves me. Embraces my faults and teaches me how to use them as gifts.

Will always be thankful to be a Daddy’s girl. Daughter of Heavenly Father and the best man here on earth. How blessed am I?

And the results are good! We have a healthy pregnancy so far. I won’t lie. I am still scared. But, I feel like I can breathe. I hope it gets easier and that my fears subside but my hopes are high!

Here we go again! Baby number three!

The snow just started to fall about 15 minutes ago and now the ground is covered. No place we need to be and the snow seems like a nice way to sit and wait for a phone call from my doctor. This is the call that lets me know if this pregnancy is viable. I drove to the lab for bloodwork and had the radio and heard Christy Nockels “Waiting here for You” and Matthew West, “Strong Enough” I bawled. Thankfully that was before the nasty weather. By tomorrow I will have my answer and just pray that I can in fact be strong enough for whatever path I an getting ready to head down.

Ok so after a week of worrying I have decided to spill the beans of why I am such a nervous wreck. We are expecting baby number three. I am going to ramble for a moment.

I am scared. Actually terrified. It’s early and I have next to no symptoms which could be cause it is still so early but I am a mess. Tomorrow I go back to the doctor for more bloodwork to check for viability.

If you have been through infertility or loss then you know how worrisome this time is. I know you shouldn’t tell people in case it doesn’t work out but I will need all the support and prayer no matter what.

So please send me all your prayers, positive thoughts and baby dust that everything will be ok.

Two little munchkins woke up early and crawled in my bed for some extra snuggle time! Love my babies!

The kids had their flu shots today. I expected tears from both especially my daughter who has a flair for the dramatic but she held her Daddy’s hand and not a peep came out. On the drive home I told her how proud I was of her and she said she prayed to Jesus to make her brave and it worked. Then she said, “Mommy, does that make you so happy?” I told her more than she will ever know.