This Moment

The morning that led up to this moment was rough. Laundry is everywhere, there is more cereal on the floor than in her bowl. My to do list had more on it than there were hours to accomplish them. Amidst the recent controversy of stay at home moms, this morning I didn’t want to be one of them. That place in your gut that says you have had it. I was there. With every new thing I added to my list today I panicked. Instead of knocking things off the list spun. Literally unraveling as I couldn’t cohesively put together a thought much less a plan.

I plugged in my phone wrestled with the speaker to put Pandora on. I wanted angry girl power music. A Fast, bass thumping escape from the thoughts that were stuck in me. But the shuffle had another plan. God had other words for me to hear.

JJ Heller, I Get to be the One.

Gut wrenching. How could I take this privilege for granted. Was I ready to trade this? Tears welling in my eyes barely able to see that little munchkin tugging on my shirt. Was I ready to throw the towel in on the stress of science projects, spilled cereal, the stress of maintaining a household?

How Great Thou Art

I will bow down in awesome adoration. Insert ugly cry here. Hands abandoning my sides. Full on touch down praise pose. Feeling unphased by salty tears and a runny nose. This perfect representation of my Lord’s love made her way into my lap. Sorry just doesn’t even seem like a word worthy of my justifications of frustration.

Oceans by Hillsong United

I am yours and you are mine. You redeem this ugly version me. You see beauty in this contorted version of your plan because I sought me instead of you. You still seek me. Holding me up when I continue to muddle myself conforming to society instead of just dwelling in you.

One Thing Remains
Through the calm and through the storm. One thing remains. Oh God, how is that amongst your abundance for me I forget that you are my portion. Enough. More than enough yet I to seek out things for for my flesh. My wandering heart, Lord wrangle it in to focus on you.

This moment with her warm breath on my neck. This child full of joy, laughter and gentleness. You chose a baby to enter the world to save us once. You continue to use your children, the ones you have gifted me with. My children, my home, my heart. Yours God. Thank you for allowing my heart to hurt so I could be reminded that only you alone can heal it.

This picture, this moment, the mess that preceded it in in my house and in my heart. I want to remember it all. Always.