I didn’t realize that 5 days into project 365 that I would find out that I was pregnant and my brain would stop working. But, alas it has. Not only can not remember to post a picture, or take the picture or think about anything other than is the baby healthy.
Confession is that I am worrying myself sick. One track mind is all about viability. I think previous loss just completely steals the joy and excitement. I am forcing myself to disconnect so it won’t hurt as bad when the news is bad. I really haven’t even began to fathom actually adding a 5th member to our family. I am too scared.
Our families know and they are excited but I feel guilt because I am not letting anyone talk about it. I preface every sentence about the pregnancy with I don’t have a good feeling. So, our jobs don’t know, lots of friends don’t know, neighbors don’t know and it is not Facebook official. I keep thinking too many people know already and I worry about how hard it is going to tell people when it is over.
I hate feeling like this. I look for any symptom of pregnancy to comfort myself. I found myself praying for nausea and poking at my breasts to see if they were tender. (sorry to my brother for having to read that) But, I don’t have either and while most would say that I am just lucky. Lucky is not how I would describe feeling.
My last two pregnancies I had early ultrasounds so there was some assurance and a comfort. They are not giving me that this time and I am out of my mind.
So that is where I stand. I am not mad at God. In fact I am quite content knowing he will take care of me in any event. It is the unknowing and my impatience that just has me reeling in worry.
Happy posts in the future but today I have to stick with an honest one.
Hi! I am Steph Moore! Welcome to my pretty little blog home! I am a Jesus loving, craft obsessed, diet coke guzzling wife and mom of a princess and a little man.
I know exactly how you are feeling, I am currently pregnant with our second child after having my
Second miscarriage. I’ve had a hard time enjoying this pregnancy because I didn’t want to get my hopes up and have them crushed again. I envy the carefreeness of those who’ve never experienced a pg loss or even struggled just to get pregnant (which it took me awhile to get pregnant on our own). Even still after 3 ultrasounds and now feeling the baby moving around I am still extremely cautious! My best piece of advice is to take it day by day. Look forward to completing each week of pregnancy and just leave it is God’s hands. There’s a reason you’re pregnant and He has a plan for this little one whatever that may be. Little ones are always in His hands, especially when we can’t see them or hold them for ourselves!
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Blessings to you and with your pregnancy as well!
Steph, My heart aches for you. I pray that you are able to feel peace and enjoy each day of this pregnancy. Congrats to you and your sweet family!
Thank you, Jess. Would love to catch up with you again soon!